Never in my life would I have thought that I would be pursuing a career within mental health. Growing up as a male in a stereotypical Italian patriarchal household within a rural area, mental health and mental health awareness was never a priority and was seemingly very much taboo to discuss at home or elsewhere. This would shape how I chose to live my life throughout my adolescence and into adulthood, ignoring anything and everything in regards to personal wellness. Expressing feelings and showing any emotion outside of anger was forbidden; an attack on “masculine nature,” creating the perfect mentality for my career post-college as a “hotshot” firefighter. I embodied the notion of a “strong back and weak mind,” and listened to the commands like “you’re not getting paid to think” wholeheartedly, without complaint, until I couldn’t.

“If you have a problem, bite your tongue and swallow it.”

This was one of the first commands I abided by when I became a member of one of the US Forest Service’s coveted and elite Interagency Hotshot Crews. With such fervor and eagerness to be accepted and respected within the hotshot community, and a directive not too unlike those I had heard in my formidable years, it was an easy choice to make for how I would choose to live my life. Compounding stress, burying emotions, self- medicating with alcohol in attempt to escape reality and exhausting those around me with cycles of self-loathing and self-deprecating habits, was the reality of the choice I made for close to a decade. It wasn’t until I made the decision to end my career in fire and seek help to improve my physical and mental health that I realized something that I couldn’t see through the fog, “I am not unique.”

I know now that I am not unique in my struggles, but when I was deep in the middle of them, that’s exactly how I felt. “How could anyone understand what I went through, what I am going through? No one gets me, they haven’t seen what I’ve seen, done what I’ve done.” These constant unaddressed questions running through my head, allowed me to justify my choice of emotional detachment, but the answer was right in front of me. Of course no one is going to understand me. I didn’t give them the opportunity to hear me and help me. It was only recently that I discovered this, after I decided to seek professional help. It is the reason I am choosing to embark down the career path in Clinical Mental Health Counseling because I know there are many people, especially men, who need guidance but are too ambivalent to seek it out. I want to help facilitate that for those with similar paths as mine, those who chose to live a form of unhealthy altruism. Our society is very liberal in doling out labels, which to some possess a stigma in how an individual may be perceived, leading many to forgo assistance.

I want to work to change this, normalize self betterment and address common mental health issues that go far beyond being overlooked.

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth” (Marcus Aurelius). Something I have learned throughout my time as a leader in fire, is everyone’s truth is different, regardless of circumstance. The fundamental understanding that different people have different needs in order to be able to succeed, and the ability to remain dynamic and patient is not only a strength I have acquired through my past experiences but a skill I believe will help me succeed in the CMHC field. It is my hope that returning to school as an older student, with a diverse background will provide a different perspective, understanding and ultimately contribute to my success within the field of mental health.

Since completing my undergraduate degree in 2012, I have sought out a way life that has made me rich in life-experience. I have worked with “at risk” teenagers in the wilderness of Alaska, taught environmental education in coastal Rhode Island, jumped out of helicopters 300 feet in the air to fight wildfires and have worked in intensive care units during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic in New York City. In part to my experiences in life, I have gone to all corners of this country searching for the answer to one specific question, “What do I want to be?” In this pursuit of an extrinsic lifestyle, I have ignored the most fundamental question I believe every human should ask, “Who do I want to be?” I began searching my own personal ethos for what I believed actually mattered in my life and why I made the decision to pursue many things in my past. After much reflection and greater self-awareness, it was clear to me that I have a desire to help and positively affect the lives of others.

In conclusion, my own personal experiences have forged a passion within me to support and facilitate help for those who are struggling and wanting to form healthier lives for themselves. I have chosen this path because I was one of those people searching for a healthier life, and I only found it with the help of professionals. I believe with my past life experiences I possess the knowledge and skills that can help people forge their own path to become successful in their mental health journey.

Thus, leading to pursue a career in clinical mental health counseling, to reach those who are like how I was.